Cryptid Corner: Jersey Devil

Ah, New Jersey.... it holds many claims to fame: the country's highest population density, the worst political corruption, the most toxic dumps in the nation, the highest percentage of car thefts, a distinctive smell (like a cross-breed of a steel mill and Danny Devito's armpit). With so many qualities to distinguish "the garden state" from its peers, one shouldn't forget it's also home to The Gate of Hell and its resident, The Jersey Devil.

The creature was born 250 years ago by an English immigrant who'd already had twelve children. She cursed her thirteenth child while still in utero, claiming she'd rather bear the devil's son than her husband's. Immediately after birth, the cloven-hoofed, clawed monstrosity ate the parents and all the kids, then settled down at a bottomless blue hole in The Pine Barrens of Winslow, New Jersey. The hole (pictured here), with its abnormally cold and clear water, is also known to be one of the pathways to the underworld.

There have been over two thousand Jersey Devil sightings since then. There is some variance in description, but most agree on a giraffe-like neck, hooves, large wings, and a long tail. It stands three or four feet high, and lets out a terrifying humanoid scream. Through the centuries it's spent most of its leisure time mutilating animals, tearing roofs off tool sheds, and trying to abduct small children.

Reports have been cataloged as recently as January 2008. Stay updated here.

Start Your Own Flea Circus

Most people seem to think the flea circus has always been nothing more than chicanery; a fast-talking barker fooling his audience with mechanical props, and no fleas controlling the action. This was often true. But in the early 20th century, trained performing fleas were a reality in the circuses of England and America.

The last true flea circus statewide was Professor Heckler and his Trained Fleas, which operated from the basement of the infamous Hubert's Dime Museum in Times Square until 1968. These days, a few retro traveling circuses perform sporadically throughout the world. The Acme does shows on occasion (albeit mostly along the east coast) and if you're ever at Oktoberfest in Munich, you can attend their annual Floh Zirkus. Both are allegedly authentic. But we need more flea acts, so I'm providing you with some training tips for you to put on your own show, courtesy of wikipedia:

"Human fleas are used for performances as other fleas are too small. For the same reason, female fleas are preferred over males. The fleas live only for a short time and hence training of fleas is an ongoing requirement.
Fleas are trained not to jump by keeping them in a container with a lid. Once trained, they are harnessed by carefully wrapping a thin gold wire around the neck of the flea. Once in the harness the fleas usually stay in it for life. The harnesses are attached to the props and the strong legs of the flea allows them to move objects significantly larger than themselves.
Chemicals such as camphor that repel fleas are placed on lightweight balls and the fleas kick them away, this makes the fleas look like they are juggling or playing football.
There are historical reports of fleas glued to the base of the flea circus enclosure, instruments were then glued to the flea performers and the enclosure was heated. The fleas fought to escape giving the impression of fleas playing musical instruments."

"Electronic Tonalities"

Louis and Bebe Barron were music graduates who married straight out of school and immediately delved into electronic music, inspired by cybernetics; the postulation that the natural laws which apply to living organisms can also apply to electronics. But this was still in the 1940's. Synthesizers were decades away. They had to build all their own equipment. Louis created the oscillator circuits, and fed varying degrees of electric current through them to create variations in sound. Often he'd intentionally fry the circuits with an overdose of electricity while recording to tape. The sounds would be treated in playback with additional splices, reverbs, and tape delays.

Bebe was exclusively the composer. She manipulated random bits of circuit noise into avant-garde soundscapes, using a variety of self-taught techniques. Nothing like this had been done before. For instance, changing the pitch of a tone was achieved by her manually slowing down or speeding up the tape during playback. Among other things, she's often credited with inventing the tape loop.
Operating out of their west village studio, the couple scored short experimental films before they were contracted for the soundtrack to MGM's Forbidden Planet. Here are some clips highlighting the score:

Unfortunately, Louis and Bebe weren't in the musicians' union, which demanded MGM to change "electronic music" to "electronic tonalities" in the opening credits. Because of this, the Barrons didn't qualify for an oscar, and they were denied union membership. It would be their only hollywood soundtrack.

The Barrons continued working together until Louis' death in 1989. Bebe passed away a few days ago, at the age of 82. Read her obituary here.

Satan Is Real

Futurechimp Theater: Man in Space

An excerpt from the Disney produced, pre-sputnik (1955) speculation of space travel, based upon the theories and designs of Werner von Braun and narrated by the guy who voiced the robot from Lost in Space. Get the DVD.

Cryptid Corner: Feejee Mermaid

In 1841, P.T. Barnum opened the American Museum in the battery district of Manhattan. The five-story attraction quickly became the "most visited place in America" and was open fifteen hours a day to accommodate gullible thrill-seekers. One of his earliest draws was the Feejee Mermaid, an atrocity claimed to have been captured by Japanese fishermen and bought by an associate of Barnum's. Knowing the secret to exploitation was hyperbole, he drew up a press release:

"The public are respectfully informed that, in accordance with numerous and urgent solicitations from scientific gentlemen in this city, Mr. J. Griffin, proprieter of the Mermaid, has consented to exhibit it to the public... This animal was taken near the Feejee Islands, and purchased for a large sum... and is exhibited for this short period more for the gratification of the public than for gain."

The ads gave the impression that you'd see a live mermaid. He used the illustration to the left as part of his promotion. But after witnessing the gaffe, the public didn't seem to mind; disappointment became an expected part of the museum visit.

The American Museum was destroyed by fire in 1865, but the mermaid survived and is now in the collection of the Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology at Harvard. There are hundreds of similar mermaids in existence; I've personally seen ones on exhibit at the Buckhorn Museum in San Antonio, a historic brothel in Tombstone Arizona, and at the Coney Island Freak Show. You can even go here and buy one from a weirdo who makes them out of fish skin and monkey skeletons. Compared to these, the Feejee Mermaid is exceptionally unconvincing. But some people were actually fooled. A quote from the Charlston Mercury newspaper of South Carolina, from when the mermaid toured throughout the south in 1843:

"The appearance is in every respect that of a natural and not an artificial object--it is certainly no compound or combination, as has been supposed, of ape and fish--but is either altogether nature's handi-work, or altogether the production of art--and if it be indeed artificial, it is the very perfection of art, imitating nature in the closest similitude. We are rather inclined to have faith on the occasion, for the connection, which this curious object establishes between fish and women, is only in analogy with that which every body knows to exist between monkey and man. Of one allusion, however, the sight of the wonder has forever robbed us--we shall never again discourse, even in poesy of mermaid beauty, nor woo a mermaid even in our dreams--for the Fee-jee lady is the very incarnation of ugliness."

Fold Back So 'A' Meets 'B'

I missed this when it ran on the new york times' website a couple weeks ago, but glad I just happened across it; a selection of "Fold-Ins" from Al Jaffee, who is now in his late 80's and has painted over 400 of them for Mad Magazine (so far). His work, fold-in and otherwise, has consistently been clever, well rendered, and politically subversive. Experience the wonders of the Fold-In emulator here and read a touching write-up for Al here.

Happy Earth Day from The Smog Monster

Yello 1980-1983

Futurechimp Theater: A Date with Your Family

(more ephemeral films here)

Elektro Update

Since I last wrote about Elektro (a few months ago in the "Robot of The Week" column for Pizzateen.com), an exciting new video has surfaced of his performance at the 1939 World's Fair:

There's also, um.... another video. Definitely not safe for work. This clip from Sex Kittens Go To College shows Elektro and his pal, Voltaire the Chimp, engaging in unspeakable acts with strippers. Since futurechimp.com is a family site, only click here if you're over 18.

The Beginning of The End

Didn't this foolish human learn anything from Conquest of the Planet of The Apes?
Don't train the chimps to be our future masters!
Thanks, man. Now, here's what we have to look forward to:

Clock DVA

The 1967 Johnson Smith Novelty Catalog

The Smoking Chimp: An Eternal Archetype

19th Century:



1960's:


















Today:


(Bonus link of your tax dollars at work: a smoking monkey sculpture I did in art school while living off the G.I. Bill)

Three Underrated Zombie Movies

The Last Man on Earth (1964)

The first filmed version of Matheson's I Am Legend (later remade as The Omega Man) seems to me like the most obvious inspiration for Night of The Living Dead. I won't bother recapping the plot, since you've probably read the book or seen last year's remake starring the fresh prince. But this is a truly terrifying, bleak and relentless film. The scene of Price's reunion with his undead wife is unforgettably ghastly.

Dead and Buried (1981)

This trailer seems to be promoting another generic horror movie, but don't be fooled; the writer (Dan O'Bannon) and director were aiming for a black comedy. The producers wanted a gory thriller, so after the director's cut was delivered, they contracted additional scenes to be shot by other directors and had it recut. Despite some gratuitous moments, it's very worthwhile. The grandpa from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory plays a mortician who uses black magic to revive the dead. It builds to a haunting and surprising finish.

Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1974)

This is the title you'll most likely find it under for the home video market. The imdb.com page lists 16 different titles used for its theatrical release (my favorite is Breakfast at the Manchester Morgue). This identity crisis could be an explanation as to why it isn't more recognized as a classic. Another might be that it was ahead of its time; nothing like it came around again until Dawn of the Dead several years later (which, in turn, inspired a slew of Italian imitators like Zombie and one of my favorites, The Beyond). Employing an unusual explanation for the zombie plague (ultrasonic frequencies intended to drive bugs away from crops), this creepy, moody film delivers on many levels, and unlike Dawn of the Dead, is very well-paced. Edgar Wright's beyond-brilliant trailer for a nonexistent movie, Don't (seen in the theatrical release of Grindhouse) was inspired by this trailer.

A Recipe for Heritage Loaf

Calling All Chumps

Remember those toys from preschool that would pluck out a tune when you'd repeatedly press a single button? Now they make something just like it for adults. Behold the Beamz Musical Performance System, a step sequencer with light beam triggers. You can only play prefabricated songs with it. It also doesn't contain any sounds; you have to hook it up via USB to a PC, as well as an amplifier, and run the included software. From the Sharper Image webpage:

"there should be no performance anxiety at all because — whichever beam you break, in whatever sequence — your music is guaranteed to be harmonious. All discordant chords and sour notes have been programmed out so everyone plays great... lets music-lovers be musicians — regardless of talent or training!"

Talent and training are overrated when it comes to music, or any form of art for that matter. Great art only requires imagination and motivation. This offers no outlet for either. Maybe that's why this thing irks me. That and the fact that it costs six hundred dollars. You'd get more satisfaction out of a kazoo.
Take a look around the rest of the sharper image website. It's like a gift shop for executive troglodytes.
Here's a promotional video showing a bunch of self-satisfied mooks wasting their lives away. The first few seconds are the actual audio, the rest is dubbed in as a gag. I still can't decide which is ultimately funnier, this parody or the original video.

On a more positive note, here is a site for one of the many artists who've built their own sculptures with the same technology.

The Evolution Revolution

From the Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp TV series, circa 1970. It isn't my kind of music, but give them a break. They're just chimps. At least it's more evolved than Limp Bizkit. And yes, they released an album. Listen to the whole damn thing here.

My First Synth

Every synth I acquired after the CZ-101 was simple to operate by comparison. The CZ's programming involved endless scrolling through menus to change the parameters, visible on a tiny LCD screen without a backlight. And the keys were mini-sized. I used it in my high school band recordings, 1986-87. If I ever learn how to transfer VHS to .mpg, I'll include some tantalizing, embarrassing moments from our hour-long video performance. Until then, I think this commercial is pretty amusing, and an archaic vision of the rock star archetype.

Eno 1974-1977

Creature Features Re-Animated

A title sequence using the original audio and remade video of WGN Chicago's Creature Features which ran until 1976.
Click here for the opening sequence to Monstrous Movie on WFLD (another local Chicago network) from the early 80's, and here for some footage of Jerry Bishop, the original Svengoolie (early 70's), with special guest Tempest Storm.

Me Ka Hali' A Aloha

A Scientific Critique of Caveman Movies

I'll assume we've all seen 10,000 B.C. by now. Besides being the awesomest movie ever, It holds a special distinction of containing anachronisms at every possible opportunity. A partial list can be found here. But let's focus on the scene of the mastadons helping to build the pyramids. Yes, that's the Egyptian pyramids... in 10,000 B.C? Anyone with a grade school education knows this is ridiculous. An apatosaurus (or, for you laymen, a "brontosaurus") would be a far more efficient beast of burden than a mastadon. It could pull a lot more weight, and you could even have a caveman riding on a little saddle up top, hitting it with his club to steer it around. How the filmmakers missed this point is beyond me.

Now we'll look at another page from the history books, One Million Years B.C:


I have no complaints about Raquel Welch's looks. But hey, this is one million b.c, the middle of the paleolithic era. That means instead of looking like this,

she'd look a little more like this:

More importantly, if you watch the trailer carefully, there is a major flaw: At the 1:42 mark, that's clearly footage of an iguana superimposed onto the screen, not a real dinosaur. How dumb do they think we are? But I admit they got most of the other scenes right by not cutting corners, and showing actual footage of dinosaurs alongside the human actors. They must have been very difficult to train.

Finally, let's cast our critical gaze upon Ringo Starr's 1981 epic, Caveman:


The opening credits show the era to be "one zillion b.c.". This is impossible. Barbara Bach couldn't have permed her hair like that, since perms didn't exist in one zillion b.c. All they had were combs. And maybe hairdryers powered by steam or something. C'mon Hollywood, show your audience a little respect.